Homeless

When the city ordinance in U.S. major cities prohibited Homeless from sleeping under bridges, on park benches, and on sidewalks, the Homeless issue became number one public concern. Although homelessness was the hot issue of the day, majority of people remained uninformed of its root causes.

Nature of Disease

To properly educate citizens, a major television network invited a panel of experts to a prime time special to discuss the topic. This program was sponsored by the Home Entertainment Corporation-HEC. There was an enormous publicity blitz to promote the special. The projected audience turnout inflated the cost of advertising minutes until they exceeded Super Bowl commercials in price.

The show opened with a distinguished sociology professor who gave a thoughtful account of this social plague.

“A homeless is a person who does not have a home,” he pensively articulated.

This profound and comprehensive description of the issue sparked an intense debate among the expert panelists.

“We must explore the historical cause of this social disease otherwise we cannot eradicate it. My studies show that these people are traced back to wandering Jews that after thousands of years still have no home.” An eminent historian on the panel warned, she then turned her gaze directly into the camera.

“Purchase my latest hardcover book “Kick a Homeless Ass” at a reasonable price of $29.95 at your local bookstore or online to learn more about this infectious disease. And don’t miss the delicious ending,” she continued.

“As Karl Marx wrote at the beginning of the manifesto of the communist party; a specter is haunting Europe; the specter of communism. These bastards haunted Europe for half a century and thank heaven their atheist ideology finally collapsed. And now the same damn Communists who have gone completely berserk after the defeat of their ideals by Capitalism moved to America. Now they wander the streets of our modern industrial cities like shabby dressed ghosts just to make our prosperous urban areas look bad,” The next expert on panel, renowned conservative politician compassionately rejected previous speaker’s anti-Semite/liberal view.

An African-American civic leader and a major shareholder of the HEC, nodded in agreement with the right wing politician: “Yes, I hear you brother. We the leaders of the civil right movement have undeniable evidence that prove our enemies dispatch their black agents dressed as Homeless just to create racial tensions in our country.”

And finally a CEO of a successful Internet company offered an insider’s look of the homeless and revealed their true identity.

“Homeless are nothing but leftover hippies who are fixated on their obsolete principals. They grow their hair long, refuse to take shower, fornicate excessively and smoke pot. I personally know some of these vagabonds from Vietnam War era.” He suddenly paused, looked up at the camera, and sheepishly apologized again for his opposition to the war when he was a stupid young man during the Sixties.

After the enlightenment, it was time to properly address this social plague and eradicate it once and for all.

Solution

The Homeless controversy deepened when a softhearted philanthropist published an article and proposed establishing shelter homes as a short-term solution and blamed the stagnate economy and misguided government policies as the root causes of this issue. She urged the government to stimulate the economy and create jobs. Politicians from right to left and top to bottom unanimously rejected these radical ideas and called her a Commie bastard.

One senator remarked: “The idea of free housing would tempt more lazy people to become Homeless. It’s not the government’s responsibility to create jobs for citizens. That would be against the spirit of a free society,” he said.

Tougher Action

Due to urgency of the matter, the city ordinance was announced on major networks and print media. It argued that this virus must be eliminated from the fabric of society and carriers of this virus must be prosecuted. According to the ordinance Homeless were banned from sleeping under bridges, park benches or sidewalks. After the official condemnation of this social plague, Homeless could not afford to stay poor anymore. They had to purchase a house and change their life style or face the legal consequences.

Since Homeless do not watch television and sleep on newspapers instead of reading them, the news did not reach its target audience. Unlike the Homeless all homeowners received the stark warning. Homeless were granted ample time to upgrade their social status and they stubbornly refused to cooperate. These felons continued to sleep on public property—especially during freezing nights just to demonstrate their lack of respect for the new law. Their defiance was outrageous. They were mocking the law! Now was the time to act decisively.

Good Citizens

Since the enforcement of the new law did not bear fruit and Homelessness was not eradicated, a grass root paramilitary group called “Good Citizens” was established in every major city. This nationwide network was formed by well educated upper class citizens who after dinner had enough leisure time to chase Homeless out of public areas at nights and lose some weight in the process. However, after months of hard work, The Good Citizens benefited from the exercise and got in shape and lost a few pounds around their bellies yet the Homelessness issue was not resolved.

The Preacher

Since the man’s law was not working, God had to intervene. Therefore, a prominent spiritual leader appeared on a popular Sunday morning television show and preached.

Homeless will finally lose faith and become Godless, because they don’t see that God works in mysterious ways. If we don’t get rid of homeless people now, sooner than later Homeless women will sell their soul to Satan and their bodies to married men. They will spread evil in our society and eventually our spotless communities will be stained with infidelity and fornication,” the preacher reasoned.

Spiritual leaders joined politicians, businessmen and celebrities in a lavish televised banquet one night, sipped champagne and chanted, “Death to Homeless.”

The Voice of Homeless however was silent in this reception, not because they didn’t have one, but because he was a little under the weather and resting at home. In a written statement he apologized for his absence and regretted the missed opportunity to promote his book called “Homeless, What a Mess” in such a high profile event.

Later on he appeared on television and courageously challenged this unjust city ordinance and passionately argued as follows:

“How do we know that a person who is resting on a park bench or under a bridge is really a Homeless? We must take every precaution not to harass decent people just because they enjoy the outdoors.”

He then proposed profiling based on race, color, body odor and wardrobe as the only effective metric to identify offenders. Such bold and unprecedented recommendations cemented his position as an indisputable advocate of Homeless.

As a result, the law was fine-tuned to prevent violating the constitutional rights of citizens. It was stipulated that if the person sleeping on the bench is white, does not smell repulsively and is not dressed in ragged clothing, he may not be considered a Homeless and therefore is not breaking any law.

Crackdown

Every night police officers woke up suspects sleeping in public places, looked them in the eyes and slyly asked the following question: “Where is your home?” If the person didn’t know the answer or replied after a questionable pause, he or she would be considered a member of the anti-social Homeless network and get arrested on spot and sent to jail.

However progress was slow. Several reports indicated Homeless not only continued sleeping in the public areas but to show their utter defiance, they farted violently and became vocal in their acts of protest.

Some of these apprehended anarchists did not even speak English and responded to the authorities only by uttering, “Si, Por favor, Si, No, Si.” Which led the authorities to believe they were connected to foreign powers. Poor countries were exporting their poverty to destroy America.

The public was outraged after a televised report showed a Homeless searching through the garbage and empting the container. A prominent sociologist analyzed the footage and remarked, “This Homeless acted exactly opposite of a good citizen. A good citizen tosses the garbage into the trashcan and the Homeless takes the garbage out.” This powerful documentary disturbed every good citizen. By now, it was obvious, that these radicals could not be ignored. No one could close his eyes on this clear and present danger.

Grand Finale

The national campaign against homeless grew stronger than ever. Every night, cops cruised the streets in search of ghosts in ragged clothing. Perpetrators were arrested at such a high rate that big cities soon ran out of detention centers. To address the shortage of jail cells issue, a new emergency budget was quickly approved for construction of more detention centers. New jails required wardens, interrogators, security guards and staff. The government’s prompt response boosted employment in large cities and created tonss of jobs.

As a result of war against Homeless, the state-of-the-art prisons became landmarks of every modern city. The wheels of the stagnant economy started rolling and economists, politicians and pundits unanimously credited the Homeless for the economic prosperity that befitted all. Even Homeless was happy to see the success of this national campaign. Millions of Homeless now had a place they could call home.

Hero

The leader of the “Voice of Homeless” is now considered a national hero and a presidential candidate in upcoming election. In an exclusive TV interview, he publicly praised the Homeless for sleeping on park benches, underpasses and sidewalks.