How to Get a Heart Attack

How to Get a Heart Attack!                                                            

The most convenient way of achieving a wholesome heart attack is to increase your stress level. And the best method to raise your stress is to torment yourself for your failures. Always try to overlook your achievements in life-if you had any- and concentrate on your weaknesses and magnify your shortcomings. Remember failure is the key to success.

Although there are a variety of innovative techniques to induce a successful heart attack, in this study let us focus on a few fundamental and universally proven ideas to reach this goal.     

Jealousy!

Carefully observe your family members, relatives and friends to find one who you can envy.  Studies show that being jealous of loved ones is more lethal therefore, don’t be sloppy and envy total strangers. If someone close to you is successful and accomplished in life, he or she can be your death role model. Don’t waste your valuable time! Immediately start the treatment and be jealous of her high paying job, her expensive house or her sporty car.  If you have all these luxuries and still looking for reasons to torment yourself, then see if she has any special talents worthy of dying for and begin crushing your self-esteem. Remember, all these baby steps you take now, will help you reach the end faster.   

Regret.

Another method of getting a cardiac arrest is self-condemnation. Regret your missed chances to succeed in life. If you never had any golden opportunities to become rich, then make up some, use your imagination and cheat; no one catches you as long as you do it delicately.  Tell everyone about a great piece of real estate you could’ve purchased for a couple of thousand dollars a few years ago, that is now worth millions. Don’t worry, you can’t get caught as long as you put your heart into it, remember heart is the one you’re trying to stop. Throw in some specifics and plausible details to make your lie more dramatic and realistic, draw a little map if you must. Lie about the pricey chunks of lands off the major freeways right by the 7-Elevens, they’re very handy, use them. Make sure you display your misery publicly. Let people see a complete loser in your face. That’s how it works.

You can also express your regret you didn’t buy a highflying company stocks when it was just a few dollars per share? Tell your coworkers if you did, you would’ve been retired by now and wouldn’t have to go to your crummy job and take crap from your boss every day for a lousy paycheck. Go ahead; tell everyone, that’s a killer idea.

More or less, all of us have similar experiences and grieving over such missed opportunities does not raise suspicion.

Marriage.

The longest and safest road to perdition is holy matrimony. This interactive approach serves both genders equally well. Clinical studies prove that the effectiveness of this method is almost 100% over a 15 to 20 years period depending on your cholesterol level and number of your in-laws.

In this popular joint venture, spouses work hand in hand to have and to hold for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, to induce a heart attack in their spouse until death do them part.

Although heart failure occurs in men more frequently, women have less chance of survival if they suffer from one therefore, marriage may be considered an equal opportunity death trap.

During this protracted treatment period, spouses must systematically nag and blame one another for no apparent reason. Unlike antibiotics that must be taken with plenty of food and liquid, nagging must be administrated on empty stomach to optimize the result.

Please be advised that when your husband is constantly complaining, he’s doing you a favor. He’s diligently doing his part to give you a heart attack. Therefore, don’t put your hands over your ears and sing “blah, blah, blah”, and don’t you walk away either.  Instead, you return the favor by initiating your nonstop nagging therapy session for a minimum of 45 minutes twice daily.

It’s strongly recommended that when the two of you are screaming at one another and at the crucial moment when you feel tightness in the chest that leads to heart failure and when you’re on the brink of collapse, avoid taking deep breath and do not and I repeat Do Not drink cold water.  Try smoking a pack of unfiltered Marlboros instead.

After about fifteen years of marriage, the survival rate is nil. However, if you don’t see any sign of a heart failure at this critical milestone, there are only two logical explanations.

First, you’re already dead and you don’t know it. Just because you walk, talk and use cuss words, it doesn’t mean you’re alive. These signs can be very misleading. Please go ahead and take your pulse and monitor your vital signs. If you still believe you’re alive and well, contact your primary physician and demand an EKG to the flat lines on your report with your own eyes. 

Second, your immune system has produced an antibody to marriage in your blood. This sub-optimal condition is both rare and temporary, therefore, don’t be alarmed and take no further action. Just stay in your marriage and check your pulse every six months until you become a flat-liner.